Lost

I don't know what to expect anymore. I'm tired of routine, and I know that this routine is soon to end. I am worried that I won't get in to regis because of my grades this term. I talked to my mom, and she's a really wonderful person. She made me see the errors in my thinking, just as I make her see her own errors. We help each other out. I found that if I get lower than a C in any of my classes, I'm not accepted at Regis. I'm really worried because I don't know if I can pull off a C or higher in my Japanese class.

God, I put this in your hands, please take care of me.

Hanlu and I are dating now. She's a really really nice person, and she's very fun. She's like me in a lot of ways; we both tease each other and have unique personalities. We're the misfits, the mischievous little imps who mess with everything. So summarizing, we're a good match. She's going back to Shanghai on wednesday. I'm sad because I will not be able to see her over summer, and if I get into Regis, then I won't see her for a long time.

Saturday morning I watched all of Fooly Cooly. I remember now, that it was what inspired me to right my first book. I really love that anime, and it always inspires me to do something. It's beautiful, short and sweet and unique: daring. Brisque, and some other adjectives. This is the most I've written in one sitting time period in the last month or so. I finally feel loose enough to just let the thoughts flow and go until I run out. It is because of the stress I've had, I just haven't been able to let it out, and I don't really understand how that works but it doesn't change the fact that it's prevented me from writing.

I want to see the world, so bad. I want to adventure and visit places and meet people and try to find if there's a niche in the world for me or if Pittsburgh has been the place for me all along. There are parts of Pittsburgh that I like, but I really can't get over the depression I feel when I'm here. I'm not leaving to run away, but I'm leaving so that I can grow up and maybe find an answer to all the things that happened here. I wish that it was easier to travel. I wish I could teleport and see the things I wanted or needed to, find a place to live and just settle down.

I'm not sure how it's going to work out, but I also want to have kids. More then three for sure, and I want to love them and hold them and kiss them on their heads. At the same time I want to travel. So I worry sometimes about whether or not I'll ever find the right person for all of this. Even if I don't, I trust God and know that something that I'm meant to find will be what I find eventually.

I'm so into this right now that I can close my eyes and as I type I visualize the words and know where I made typos and how to go back and fix them. It's really cool to finally feel focuses for once.

I don't do paragraph breaks enough, and I'm sure that my reader basis has a hard time dealing with the lack of break in the prose. So today must be a field day for you guys.

I think I keep forgetting to breathe. Life is so full of things worth living for, I'm finding. Even in the utmost despair, there's over 7 billion people on earth. The chances that none of those people will love you is absolutely 100% impossible. Truly, there is no way all of them would hate you. I think that's the beauty of Planet Earth. There's always someone to love each other. We all really should love each other, because then things would be a lot calmer.

In America we are all very caught up in our ways of life, and we ignore the small things that are truly important. There are fathers who miss their son's first steps, and mothers who miss their children after a divorce. My feelings about divorce: Stop sucking so fucking bad and get to know the person first. If they aren't the one for you, don't fucking marry them, if you think they are and they think they are than stay with them and don't give up no matter what. If my parents taught me anything, it's the value of honor, trust, love, hope and the ability to fight: not necessarily to fight each other but to fight for the sake of a future with one another.

I'm realizing that I've written a whole lot right now, that I've just been rambling and subjects have been bleeding over into each other, but I think it'll be good if I get it all off my chest.

My whole face feels numb for some reason. This next sentence is going to sound so ADHD that it's impossible but, my face feels numb right now. And there are helicopters going on outside my window, all the time. like every waking hour of the day, they're coming and going outside of my room. It makes you wonder; are they really such diligent workers? because that's fucking impressive. Saving people all day long; and all night long. I'm pretty sure I used that semi-colon wrong, but whatever. So Hanlu is sleeping, and she's absolutely adorable. I want to give her a hug and let her know how much I care about her. I'm afraid that saying this will piss off a least one person reading this.

A long time ago, I got addicted to Ogame. what stops you from playing it is someone who plays it more obsessively than thou who finally blows you the fuck away and steals your shit. and then you suddenly feel that everything you fought for, everything you built was in vain. i started to play again. This is much better, it's on a server that is 2x speed. I'm also playing on one that is 5x speed. It's really a beautiful thing. I love it so much.

So, I'm gonna say some stuff that may piss my parents off. I tried cigarettes recently. I bought a pack for a film project in which I ate two cigarettes on camera. It was pretty funny to watch. In this film I also chased someone down a hallway with a katana, and then dragged their body into my room. It was epic. So anyways about the cigarettes: I don't feel addicted at all, and I didn't cough or choke on the smoke at all, which was strange. I don't feel the need to continue, so I'm going to burn the pack pretty soon.

Speaking of Packs, I'm going to pack for home soon.

Also,

End Post.