no.

I'm going for a walk.







End Post

What it means to feel

???

The sensation of having nothing in your heart and stomach is somewhat terrifying, somewhat painful. I hope that I never feel it again, yet it still reoccurs, even now. I have to finish some homework, and then I might write more later.

Edit

Sadly, it feels like it may be time to start letting go of everything. That means mostly like, letting go of people and old hopes and stuff. Not everyone, I couldn't bear that, but things like the band. Things like dancing in the middle of fifth avenue at two in the morning. Or letting go of people after a fight is over. If they want to go, then I won't stop them; because they can't stop me, and won't. I don't have an appetite tonight. Not even for junk food. I'm just waiting until I have to sleep and then I'm going to go and let go of today.

The weather was nice for a change; I went to soldiers and sailors and lied down in the grass, and watched the sky. It was the last good thing I did today. I finished all the work I had to do, and now all I have left is to write this for routine's sake and to go to sleep. No one is meant to be the one to pull me out of a bad mood. it has to be my job from now, to pick up my pieces and become self-sufficient and learn how to live with myself. I am not going out without a fight.

End Post

That's what they say I am...

???

The other kids didn't ask to be chinese.

Also, watch this picture for an hour and you'll become enlightened.

Rawr.

I can't deal with living sometimes. Its like the weight of my entire past, and my life all jumps on me and is like "I'm a fatass." Its depressing. Several people I know all went through this same feeling pretty much yesterday and today.

Thank you for making my day.

End Post

Back Cracking

???

Dear You,

Your back cracks loud. You're a lot of fun to be with. I'm glad to know that I have a friend in you. And that you can give good back massages. There's always been a lot of conflict surrounding all the things in my life and strangely, you're void of it. You're just a really nice person with a big heart and a lot of laughs. In all the notebook space I've stolen, this has been the note I've wanted to write. The one telling you that you're great, that you make class something to look forward to, something bearable. Its cool that you're as ticklish as I am, and that you don't hate me right away from tickling you. You've already become, so suddenly, one of the reasons why it will be hard for me to leave; to move away. I don't know who all will understand, but I trust that you will always be this great person. Maybe when you finally look at the blog you'll read this and know its for you. Maybe you won't, but if you do, thank you for everything.

-Me




Other pressing matters:

I regret most not being able to do more for you, idunnome?. I mean and meant everything I've said, and want to hear your heart again. It's one of the most comforting and peaceful things. So don't make it stop pumping. I'm begging you. I am here.


End Post

Failsafe

???

Today is a very lazy and slow day. one might even go as far as to describe it as a laser day. I don't know what that would entail, but it would be a laser day.

Amber drew a flower on my hand. Now it is on my pillow, because I did not wash my hand before sleeping. Strange. I wonder what it would be like to not have any stuff here in my dorm. Just like, a bed, and my books. Nothing else. What would it feel like?

Life seems to go on no matter what you do. The best thing you can do to live is to just do what you do best. And to make the world a better place, to be honest and true to yourself and the people around you. I haven't talked to beans in a while.

End Post

Angel Day

222?

Today was a very, very, very, very good day. I'm very glad it happened. I feel very happy, and like things can be okay. Kid, if you read this, thank you.
I am really hoping the band thing works out.

adhd = http://www.omnomnomnom.com/
Go there.

I'll post later.

Edit:

They walked a lot that windy day, and held hands under the stratus-cloud-strewn sky. The clouds were like blankets covering out heads from nasty weather, and giving us time to fall in love. Ellen's green-streaked black hair matched her auburn-green eyes. Both features striking against her pale skin, slightly freckled: gorgeous. Mike stood only an inch higher than Ellen, with an intense blue gaze that seemed to look right through her. He had an awkward look about him, like every article of clothing would never really fit. Regardless, they walked hand in hand to a scenic view, and laughed with each other. There was a squeeling noise from a nearby alarm as they sat on a bench, and stared into each other's eyes. After walking back to Mike's dorm, they sat and talked; feeling a little awkward. Somewhere along the line, Mike asked if Ellen wanted to cuddle, and she agreed. Lying together, holding one another, Ellen wrapped one of Mike's legs up with her own, and they smiled at each other. The awkwardness was quickly fading, and it was almost as if they were a couple of several years, completely content and safe with one another. Gazing into each other's eyes, Mike kissed Ellen's nose.
"Thanks for the kiss on the nose, it made my day." She said.
"May I top that?" Mike asked. She nodded, and they kissed each other lovingly on the lips.
Together, they seemed to dance with one another in love; undoubtedly completely in harmony with one another. Ellen and Mike would both never forget that day, when they both found the person they needed most. Ellen told Mike "this is the only day." And later on, when she was getting ready to leave, Mike held her close against his chest and whispered sadly,

"Please come home. Come back to me."

End Post

Colors

???

So I wrote this short story for my creative writing class. Don't read into it any more than the story, because its not about me, or about anyone. There's inspiration, but don't get upset if it seems one way or another. I hate that shit. Just read it like a story.



Colors
By Joe Hogue

For anyone who was watching five hundred and thirty five feet below, they might have caught one of the stray feathers that fell from above serenely in the silence like snow. No wind blew that day, no tears were cried. No one believed Lauren to be what she told us she was. They knew she was different, but we thought this was because of the way she acted. I for one will never forget Lauren. Not because of how she threw herself from the roof of the tallest building in our small community. Not because of how she left us, but because of how she lived.
My first day of college was not a good one. I had only come to this school because my brother went here before me. I had no idea what I wanted to do, no idea where I wanted to go. I only knew that I was in a failing relationship, I covered up my sadness by doing my work consistently, and I wanted to stop existing. A large portion of my life, I felt as if I had nothing to believe in. From my childhood onwards, I sheltered my own hurts from an abusive mother, and a father who left. Coming to college was a way to get away from them, but when I sat down in my box shaped room on my empty bed with nothing but a guitar, some pens, and some notebooks, I realized that I would never really escape the fallout of my own illness. I was sick with loneliness, and desolation. Somewhere along the line, I realized that my peers at the school may have been just like me. Filling the holes in their hearts with greed, sex, drugs, anger; whatever they could find. In my blank room, I put my clothes away into drawers. I organized my room so it was shaped to best keep me. I didn’t go out that day because I had already seen the entire campus during my visits with my brother. He was going to Japan this year, so I was sort of stepping into the small vacuum he’d leave in the tens of thousands of students who went to school here. In the big picture, no one would notice one person missing.
I had a strange urge to pray that evening, and I did. I had no idea what for. In my desolate room, shaped like my desolate heart, I prayed to God “Please help me.”

My first week of classes was dull. I quietly went in, did what was required, and left. One of my classes, an Introduction to Fiction class asked use to stand up, introduce ourselves, answer a few questions, and then sit down. This seemed pointless because it was a large lecture class, with nearly one hundred students. It may have been an excuse to waste time because nothing was on the syllabus for today.
“Next person, tell us about yourself,” the instructor asked me. I stood up at my seat. “My name is Lane Moyers,” I stated, and the class responded with “Hi Lane.”
“I’m a freshman here, I enjoyed playing guitar and my favorite cereal is lucky charms.” “Next person, tell us about yourself,” the instructor said. His tone made it seem like the exercise was actually pointless.
“My name is Sondra. Wait, no it isn’t. It’s Lauren Rowe. I like to talk to people, to make friends. I really like singing and running around and being playful. Oh, and I’m an angel.”
I turned around in my seat to look at her. No one said “Hi Lauren,” because no one believed she was serious. Someone asked “are you serious?” She responded with, “yes.” I watched her face as she said that one word and I realized how beautiful she was. She stood at about five foot four, with brown hair encircling her small angular face. She was thin, and her eyes were a glowing blue. She had no blemishes on her face, which was a very light color, making her eyes seem even brighter. Her small lips were curled into the smile of a seraph. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her face. When the class didn’t say anything, she looked straight at me, and I felt my heart skip a beat. She sat down, and I turned around.
“Uh, next person: Tell us something true about yourself,” the instructor said. The rest of the time in class until the end of the day was uneventful; meaningless.
I didn’t know why, but I felt as if something had drastically changed ever since that moment. After my classes, I went back to my dorm, and the white walls which once felt empty seemed bright in the light coming through the window. I lied down on my bed, at the time having no idea that praying changed my life. I wouldn’t realize this until much later.
The next week I sat down in the same seat of my Introduction to Fiction class, and Lauren sat behind me again. The class was a dull lecture, I had intended to skip and just do the readings and tests. For some reason, I felt the need to go, so I did. As our teacher was talking about character development, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned my head slightly to the right and saw that a note was being handed to me. Unquestioningly, I grabbed the carefully folded square and began to unfold it on top of my book. It was in very neat handwriting. An entire sheet of paper pulled out of a wire-bound notebook with the serrated edge neatly pulled off so that the edges were not frayed. There was one line on the note.

Hey Lane. This lecture is really boring, huh? Do you want to talk?
By the end of the class, the note read as follows.

Hey Lane. This lecture is really boring, huh? Do you want to talk?
Sure thing. It is kind of boring, but there’s not much we can do. You could skip if it is too bad you know, the instructor is mostly just reading the book to us.
Why would I do that? I wouldn’t have the chance to talk to you.
Oh. I guess. So what do you want to talk about?
I wanted to know if you wanted to get lunch today. After class?
Yeah. Maybe we should pay attention.
Okay. Where do you want to go?
We’ll decide after class.
Oh. Sorry. Okay.

As the class wrapped up, the hall became busy with students walking and shuffling past each other, getting their things together and walking out into the hall. Lauren and I stood up, and I observed her as she put her stuff into her bag, and shouldered it. She looked at me, and smiled her gorgeous smile, tilting her head a little, and taking me off guard. As we walked out side by side I realized that I must have been seven to eight inches taller than she was. She walked somewhat closer to me than I had expected.
“I’m glad to have the chance to hang out. Not many people in that class want to talk to me.” She informed me matter-of-factly.
“Why’s that?” I asked.
“Well I asked one girl, and she said it’s because I was a liar,” She said, letting the smile on her face fade just a little. I didn’t want to see it go away.
“Are you a liar?” I asked.
“No.”
“Well I believe you.” She smiled again. We walked somewhat quietly together until we came to the school’s eating hall. I got some pizza, and a glass of water. When she came back, she had two hamburgers, French fries, two drinks, a plate of potatoes and corn, waffles, and ice cream. I smirked a little bit.
“How are you so small?” I asked her.
“God made me that way.” She smiled, and at the word God, I felt a sensation in my stomach similar to being on a roller coaster.
“So why did you come to school here?” I asked, ignoring the feeling in my gut.
“I guess I felt like it was the right place. I mean, I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, I just felt that if I’m going to go to college just anywhere, it would be somewhere that felt right. And this is what did.”
Something about the way she talked made me want to laugh. She was very down to earth, very sweet and funny. As we ate, we talked. I didn’t say much, and Lauren always had something to talk about. As the conversation was winding down, we took our empty trays to the dishwashing unit. I turned to her as we walked out.
“Where are you headed?” I inquired.
“Anywhere.”
“Huh?”
“Wherever I’m meant to be I guess. That’s how things seem to work for me. After you’re done with your classes today, do you want to talk some more? I really enjoyed spending time with you.”
I nodded. “What’s your number? I can call you.”
“I don’t have one. Just meet me outside of the library?”
I nodded again. As I turned to leave, she hugged me, her head only coming to the center of my chest. For one moment, I felt a sense of happiness and hope. As we went in separate directions, I wondered to myself why she had this effect on me. As I walked to my dorm, I also wondered if she was aware that the library was across the street from my dorm, or if it was just a coincidence.
The rest of my classes that day seemed to drag on. The professors and instructors seemed to all be in slow motion. It was excruciating. I got out of class as the sun had started its slow decent towards the horizon, threatening darkness. I frowned a little, not normally having realized that my classes let out so close to dark. When I went back to my room, the walls were yellow in the evening sun. I put all my things away, and opened my journal. There was a page that I couldn’t remember writing that I had opened to. It had one line, and was dated the first day of my life at college:
This is all we have, when we die.
I looked around my room, it was still empty.

Dinner with Lauren was similar to lunch with Lauren. I had no idea where she put all the food, but she managed to finish her meal. We talked about a lot of things, some school stuff. She asked about my family, and I told her I didn’t want to talk about it.

“They still love you, you know.” She told me. I didn’t respond to it.
There was something strange about her. Every week, we went to lunch and dinner together. And every week she told me about the people she met, about how she wished our generation was more caring, and less absorbed in things that are unimportant. I learned that she had high moral standards; that she wanted to live in a world where everyone was interested in what was important. Which were each other: people. Not in drugs and alcohol and sex. Lauren and I became close friends. In fact, she was my only friend, and for the entire first year of my college life, she was the only person I was close to.
Weekly, as we spoke to each other, I noticed that she was gradually losing her glow. That she seemed to get more and more tired, and less happy. When it finally struck me, I became worried. Lauren was the only good thing worth smiling about. It seemed like as her hope for humanity on earth seemed to fade, so did her health. As her health seemed to fade, my blank room began to feel blank again. A month before the end of the spring semester my life changed once more.
We were at dinner together, and Lauren came back with only one plate of food.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her. She looked at me funny.
“Oh, I guess it is odd if I don’t eat a lot huh.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you really believe me?” she seemed sad, and her blue eyes were downcast. “What?”
“A long time ago I said that I don’t lie, and you said you believed me.”
“I meant it.”
“I’m an angel, but I lied. My real name is Sondra. It’s not Lauren Rowe. And I came here because God sent me here. He asked that I take care of you, and I’ve been hurting so badly because I’m so sad for your generation. They are all so sad, so lonely. They don’t have anything to look up to anymore.” As she talked, I wasn’t sure if I could believe her.
“Are you serious?” I asked in doubt. She frowned, and whispered almost inaudibly. “Well, you prayed, didn’t you?”
“What?”
“Never mind. Look lets finish eating.”
I felt like I had done something terribly wrong by doubting her. She stopped showing up to class, and I didn’t know how to reach her. I felt as if something bad may have happened to her. I sat in my room one day, so worried that I skipped class so I could worry alone. My room was completely solitary, empty. Void of feeling. I never spent time here. I lay in my bed, and after a while, I began to pray.
“God. Please take care of Lauren, or Sondra. Whoever she is, I don’t want her to be sad anymore,” I told my ceiling.
I dozed off, and woke up right as the sun was coming down at the brim of the horizon. The walls in my room were gradually fading from yellow to the pale white of white walls in the darkness. I opened my journal to write, and a message in familiar handwriting was written for today.

I’m floating towards the sun, the sun of nothing.
There was also a perfectly pure-white feather in the page.

My chest hurt a little. The campus seemed quiet, so I went out for a walk. A lot of people were gathered outside of the school’s cathedral, the tallest building on campus. They were silent. I walked over to the crowd; they all were looking up at the roof. I strained my eyes to see what they all were watching. When I realized that someone was up there, I was floored. Today, Lauren Rowe, or Sondra, stood five hundred and thirty five feet taller than the rest of us. Many of the people in the crowd were silent, a few sobbing. Many were crying. I realized that all of these people were people who Lauren had befriended, people who Lauren had probably helped out in some way. Like me; she had been there for other hopeless people. She looked at us, and I felt like she was smiling at us. As the light faded, it seemed as if she was glowing again. Suddenly, to the dismay of thousands of people, She leapt.
That evening a light fell from the cathedral, and as I watched it fall, as we all watched Sondra fall, we saw something more. I remember to this day the feeling that she had wings, and as the sun cleared the horizon completely, there was a flash, and Sondra was gone. No one can explain where she went, why she didn’t hit the ground. Feathers fell from the roof, and everyone who believed enough to catch one, was forever changed. We lived our lives trying to fix our injured world, all because of a fallen angel. We all tried to live happily, to find hope and faith in each other, to do all the things Lauren Rowe did for us. We all realized that we weren’t alone. We put down our cell phones, we spoke face to face, we laughed and cried and we were sick and we were healthy together.
I don’t trust myself to use it for anything other than a bookmark, so as I close this memoir, I leave a symbol of my faith. A feather.

Sleep Deprived

223

is what I am. I can't really do anything about it yet. I think I need to sleep a lot this weekend. Only two classes today and then I'm free.

End Post

Love Triangle? I think not.

223



Maybe a dodecahedron or some shit.



I realize I've been talking about myself far too much recently. I'm like constantly venting and it's probably coming off as me being a self-centered prick. and that's totally not cool at all. I had the wierdest night. Really.



9:20 pm

Judo lets out. I walk back down to lower campus with my friend Mark. Got a return text from Erika about studying together. so I go eat some fewd at Market Central and then back to my dorm to get my books together. I headed down to the Hillman Library to wait for Erika, who showed up a little late. She's a whole lot of fun. Very personable, and she laughs at a lot of things. I have a lot in common with her. We studied Japanese. We decided to go eat a late night dinner at Market Central (again for me) and we ended up talking a whole lot, all the way til around one o' clock. I walked her back to her apartment, she showed me around and we waited outside while she smoked a cigarette. We talked some more and then I gave her a hug and let her go to sleep or study.



2:30 am

Amber shows up at Pitt some how. Kidnaps me in her car with her friends and we sat and talked for a while. Enjoyed each other's company and recollected about some things. I made her friends laugh. I gave her a hug goodbye after a long while, and watched them drive back home.



3:23 am

I call Lauren, hoping she'll pick up. At some point we're going to have our chance to dance in the middle of the street in the middle of the night. it was a really weird night.



3:41 am

Back home. Started talking to Will who just happened to be up. Found out that Alaura Brooks started following my blog. I don't know why. She probably won't ever comment or anything. Well, whatever. It's 3:57 am right now and I'm considering going to sleep. I have class at 10:00 am and I need to get some rest before hand. I have another interesting day tomorrow.





Even surrounded by these things, I find that I still feel a little bit empty. Cold.

Maybe I'll find a solution in a greater spectrum. I'll keep looking.



End Post

Caterpenis

???

dan sent me this one, I think it's pretty good.

So my major accomplishment of today is relaxing. I think I need to do taht a lot because I'm sore and junk. I talked to sondra recently, and she's very nice. I can't wait until I can go running again.

End Post

Rip.

223





Still no change.





Today I ripped my pants pretty good.

Nice, right?

I feel kind of hopeless still. I'm not sure if anyone else reads this blog but beans, but that's cool I guess. I miss the delusion of happiness.

End Post

Restless

???

its hard feeling alone again. Feeling like boredom will become your destroyed, loneliness will take you to pieces and you'll never recover. I haven't been alone for a very long time and I think I've lost all my methods of coping with it. Any suggestions? please?

I wonder how many people read this. Its two in the morning, very warm outside, and I feel pretty good being awake for some reason. Maybe it's the weather change. In the day today I think I'm going to study Nihongo with holtgraver-san if she comes in contact with me to make arrangements and the like.

I need to get a plan for what job to have while I write, and what job to have for saving up to leave and stuff. I don't know what I can do, or where to start looking.

I feel very tired of being around myself, I don't know if that's weird or anything, but I feel gross. like "why would anyone want to touch me" kinda gross. But that's probably fallout from the loneliness. Bah.


End Post

Short

???

I didn't post last night. too tired. Not really posting today. I'm trying to enjoy today.


End Post

Fuck you, you fucking fuck

223


My Body
I'm uncomfortable,
out of shape.
Old, or maybe just tired
Every moment is a battle against the brain.
Some days my enemy is the mirror
knowing that my scars are from old hatreds,
a twinge of pain resides deep in my chest

I make Joe sick sometimes, but never ill with sickness
I don't fit into clothes right, or move gracefully
I make up for my sorry shape through smarts
and silliness, sometimes symbolism.
I am a relic of Joe's past, alien to his consciousness
I fight him every day

I fight my body, my inner self esteem everyday.
Somewhere though, beneath self-loathing
I've found strength and hope
Something to fight for.


Arrogant
The way the air feels bitter,
Always still, silent, stagnant
Reminds me of the thigns you are
and all the reasons I need out

What bitterness? The sweet tang of grudge
hidden behind youur desire for "abstract art"
The avant garde is another pointless expression
What has you the way you are, needing a way out?

I stopped paying attention. The things you say are like your art:
"Seemingly arbitrary and meaningless."
Your will to have your bitterness is encroaching,
stifling.

True art, not your art, not a way out
Maybe it's too far away to find.
maybe it's time to say goodbye, to take my way out
To leave this bitterness solemnly, and completely behind.

End Post

how can I know?

220

left right center left right center left right center

I hate not knowing how you're doing. It makes everything harder.

Today i woke up too sore to move around much, and missed a class cause I couldn't put my shoes on. Gay right? Right.

From the reciting of the show, from the plip and the shevanel:
From the grind that annoys, and the sarcasm they all hate.

I like that song.

Some nights I wonder what would happen if I don't sleep. most of the time the consequences are a lot more than you'd think.

I need to take my trash out. And look at tomorrow's work for Japanaise. And find a way to drink more water while I'm all out.

It seems like everyone all at once is having a really bad time. I don't know how I'm gonna get out of it this time, to move around all of it. I know I'll see things and regret and regret and regret.

The dreams I have, all alone
Are things I don't know how to say
And the way you speak in the frame
Of a memory, is like art in a way

the feelings that come pouring forth
like the rain drops sheltering the cold
can't hold back the things I can't release.
I could sleep for years, centuries

I can't talk out loud, I can't breathe
My arms and legs are like lead
Everyday has become oppression
I can't seem to find away home

End Post

Ima not a raper.

220

Practiced Judo today. And then ate. and then practiced judo. And then went to judo class. Four hours of Judo is a lot. I'm glad I did it though. I feel like I need to work harder at everything ever. And that's kind of disheartening. I have an essay to write and Japanese to study for Nihongo. Kotoshi no kyuu-gatu kara san-nen-gurai Koloraado e itte kimasu.

I am most sad when at the end of the day everyone goes back to their room and lies down comfortably and smiles about their day and sleeps. I go to my room and write in my blog and feel somehow distraught, like I can't pick up the pieces anymore. I started praying more frequently, and I'm begging God to help me through all of this. It's very hard.

I missed counseling and never went back. I don't know why, I didn't feel ready all of a sudden. Maybe I should go back, maybe I should sign into a mental institute, but that's being absurd.

I need to start getting things right.

End Post

ENERGY LEGS

223

Three redbulls. Result: none

writing an essay.

End Post

Edit:

I finished my essay. It was less painful than I thought, I think that I had a lot of insight into the film we watched so it helped out. I told sarah that I was leaving for next year. I made her cry and I feel terrible. I hope that she can find what she needs and grows to be a wonderful person.
I love her very much.

End Post

Incoming Challenger!

???

Lol its three in the morning and stuff right.

I'm pretty sure I just got broken up with. :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD is for delerious!


End Post

Stupid Bowl

???

I'm uninterested in football. It's really just a good way to get upset and to let your mood be ruined for days at a time. I don't know why, but I don't feel very good lately. Just unrestful, uncomfortable with myself. I know I need to get out and do something, and while I'm at home its pretty much impossible to go anywhere. I think my real problem is that I'm too high-energy, and I've spent too much time suppressing it.

I watched Wedding Daze today, and thought it would be a really good idea to marry someone you don't know just because you saw them across a crowded diner. I think it would make life a lot of fun and very interesting. A while ago someone sent me an email that made me feel like the world was crumbling around my ears. Strangely enough, I would enjoy getting another one of similar nature. I think it would be really cool to have something like that happen. I dunno why, maybe its that life is dull: class is dull and friends can be dull and routine is especially dull.

Somewhere along the line I started feeling like I need to go somewhere. To be someone and do something and that maybe I'm not actually Joe, maybe I'm someone else. I hope I can figure it out before anything bad or stupid happens. I need a release, a way out, a way to breathe and feel and live and do something exciting. No one here can offer that to me anymore, and I feel terrible for feeling this way.

Sarah is a beautiful, wonderful girl.

Cardinals lost; sorry guys. Got a message for ya:

Well on a lighter note, they truly fought hard and long. So I applaud you. We can ride the failboat together. Toot toot.

End Post